Hardened heart, broken smile. This quiet road I’ll walk alone. Memories of you to keep me company.
Every night before I sleep, I reflect on everything that has happened, whether good or bad. I find myself grinning from ear to ear when I remember all the funny things that I had gone through; I find tears rolling down my cheeks when I remember all the sad things that had happened, or even when I think about the things that aren’t going to happen. I also caught myself thinking how I fucked it all up on those days, and then it all came crashing down on me like a wave crashing onto the shores. A wave of emotions overcame me at some points in life, and I had to take it on like a man. I guess its all part and parcel of living. A breeze of melancholy always follows the scent of euphoria, I would always say.
“Just put on a brave front, no one would notice it’s just a mere facade to cover up.” I kept telling myself that. I could lie to everyone else, but I couldn’t just lie to myself. I know the truth, but I just can’t accept it.
I replay all sorts of memories in my mind before I put it to rest, because that’s the only way I can keep reminded of it all, be it fond memories or not. I could not just erase any memory away, as much as I wish I could, because I’d be erasing a part of my life that once was, that had happened. I realize that everything has changed. It isn’t the same as last time. It opened my eyes. It made me realize that, I miss the past. But you can’t go back. You can only move on and keep moving on, looking forward to the tomorrow that you hope for, and either you get disappointed or you’ll be smiling. Disappointed because it wasn’t what you had hoped for; smiling because it was.
Merely reliving the past in my head sends several feelings gushing through me at one single moment. Or so I’ve heard, if you keep holding on to the past, you’ll never get to taste the fruits of tomorrow. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to literally let go of everything that once was. It just means that you have to let go in order for something better to come into your life.
Drowning myself in music is a form of escapism for me. Each time I want to escape from all the bullshit that is happening, I find my trustworthy friend. And he sure does deliver. I block the outside world, and I picture myself in my own world, where everything is peaceful and happy; where you can hear bursts of laughter from children having fun in the park, see couples young and old holding hands, see myself smiling. I built myself another dimension where I can be happy.
The void that left, can never be truly filled. And I can’t find any substitute for it. I tried letting someone else fill the gap that left, but no one can do a helluva good job. I guess it’s all written in the books of fate.
So free your past, live your present and create your future.
“I know who I am; I’m merely nothing more than a line in your book.”
I’m just penning down my thoughts and feelings
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